WALK OF SHAME SUNDAY-10/6/2013

I'm getting pretty good at dodging bullets. I mean, I still don't notice when the gun gets loaded or when its pointed directly at my face, but at least now I duck when it goes off. At least now, I don't get shot.  I just have excellent battle stories to tell and this week is no exception.

Online Dating Disaster Number One.

I emailed with this dude *Mr. Marijuana* a couple of times and then we talked on the phone twice. He was highly aggressive, funny as hell and very intense. And although he seemed a tad bit controlling off the bat, he works as a video game designer and I thought we might have a lot in common as I also work in the entertainment industry. If I'm being honest, it was a little troubling that the first time we chatted he admitted he was super high and the second time we talked he was in the middle of a house party and busy drinking himself into oblivion. *Somewhere in the future there is a twelve step meeting waiting for him to show up*

He texted the next day to say he was proud of himself that he hadn't drunk dialed me all night to tell me how much he liked me. *At this point my expectations are so low, I was just relieved that some guy I had never even met before didn't wake me up in the middle of the night.*

We both were pretty busy so we arranged to have a coffee date Thursday afternoon. I was really looking forward to it and went all out curling my hair, slapping on the full face drag and wearing a super cute, casual outfit that didn't scream *Catfish*

When I first approached him at Espresso Royale, *Best latte's evah!*

 I don't think either one of us was very thrilled by each other physically. How could I tell, you ask? Well, he never said one word about how I looked and for my part, he was 6'5 about a buck fifty and pretty unkempt. *Like, no effort whatsoever had been made in the grooming department which included a scraggly, unshaven facial mess, longish fingernails and  dirty jeans* But I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt so I sat down and waited for him to offer to buy me a cup of coffee *Yes please* or a tea or a cookie or something *He never offered*

Instead he launched into a rapid fire monologue about his career and what he wanted to do with his life. *He never asked any questions about me so I tried to add personal info about myself in the brief seconds when he was forced to inhale. I was mildly successful* He also commented about how "pricey" the drinks here were. *Uh-huh*

Suddenly he launched into an insane lecture about the merits of weed. How, "It has no side effects whatsoever" and "Is actually really good for you" and "How he knew what he was talking about because he had done the research" *His friend Justin gets high all the time and told him it was true and so there you have it. Conclusive proof*

When I told him that while I didn't care if people smoked weed *It just isn't my thing but I'm not super judgy about it* however I wasn't going to agree that it was good for you, he tried to convince me I was wrong. When I respectfully suggested that we should agree to disagree, he told me I was uptight and had issues with weed. I kept trying to change the subject over & over but this dude would just not get off his ridiculous obsession with weed. His lecture lasted over thirty minutes.*Thirty minutes!* When he loudly declared that, "Unlike alcohol, nobody has ever killed anyone by driving while high" and I disagreed stating that surely at some point in the history of the world this has actually happened before. He demanded to see my proof.  *Really? Cause I travel with prepared power point presentations just for situations like this, you jack wagon.*

Having finally reached my limit, I just stood up and told him I had to get back to work. Aaaand, that's when he stared yelling and arguing that I should give him more of a chance, that I was wrong for not wanting to date him and it was my fault I didn't like the conversation since I was the one who had such an "issue" with weed.

I told him all I wanted was to get to know him better (and for him to get to know me) and I had no interest in debating the merits of weed. He literally yelled at me that weed, "Is me. It is super important to me, its what I'm passionate about and you should know that. This is getting to know me." *I have learned that you really can't argue with crazy so I just walked quickly to my car and drove away into the sunset.*

*Bullet dodged*

Online Dating Disaster Number Two

Since I was on such a roll, that same night I chatted with another dude I had been emailing online. He was a little reserved *Depressed? Suicidal? Or just polite. Hard to tell really* and was recently out of a relationship *I know, I know* but seemed, by comparison to be relatively sane. So far, so good. However the next night, Friday, he texted me at 8pm asking what I was doing right then and if I wanted to get together. I was already out with friends but told him I could meet up on Saturday night. *I should have known* He texted back "Cool." So, I thought we were on but Saturday night came and went and no sign of Mr. Newly Single. *I'm guessing that he was trying to reintroduce his penis back into the wild and since I wasn't interested in having sex with a guy I had never met before, he moved on to greener, skankier pastures*

At this point, I just thanked God for little favors *Bullet number two dodged* and kept it moving. So, instead of spending my night with yet another dating disaster I settled down with the giant Jenga tower of camp that was Lifetime's, "House of Versace". 

What can I say? The wigs, the terrible, over the top Italian by way of The San Fernando Valley accents, the coked out supermodels sashaying down the runway to bad euro trash beats plus Gina Gershon and Rachel Welch! *Oh, the low budget glamour of it all! * My inner gay man was very, very happy!

So, while I am deeply ashamed that this week I wasted even more of my life on men that have less common decency than a twerk, I will never regret the two hours I spent with the day shift hooker version of Donatella Versace-because it was the most satisfying thing I had all week.

WALK OF SHAME SUNDAY 9/29/13

Hey Pretty People! Today I'm starting a new blog feature-WALK OF SHAME SUNDAYS! It's my weekly recap about all the unholy mess I've gotten myself into lately.

Weirdly, this week I actually didn't dabble in the dark side too much. However, I should confess that I did set up a couple of coffee dates with online dating dudes that might be slightly inappropriate. As usual, I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt.  One is for this Tuesday and the other is on Friday. So, we shall see!

*Obviously, if they show me their dick in a parking lot or do anything else that might be construed as ridiculously wrong, you will be the first to know. Promise! *

In my free time, I also wandered around half heartedly doing housework, eating far too many chocolate chip cookies *I'm not saying how many. More than is socially acceptable but less than a binge. You do the math* At a karaoke party Friday night I chose Billy Joel's Moving Out as my solo number.  *Not a huge Billy Joel fan, I just love yelling, Heart Attack-Ack -Ack-Ack-Ack at the top of my lungs. Try it sometime. It's awesome* and most shameful of all, I downloaded Miley Cyrus's Wrecking Ball from iTunes Saturday night at 2am. *And I was dead sober so really, there is no excuse for that kind of reckless behavior*

There you have it. My week in a nutshell. Not as embarrassing as going home at 3am with my panties in a wad and my eyeliner smeared halfway down my face...but still not my proudest moment. x

THE BIGGER, BETTER DEAL

These days, everyone seems to be doing it. Looking over their shoulder at what lies just beyond in an endless attempt to upgrade. They want a better job, a better romance, a better life.

And I’m no different. I too want it all. I want the Pretty Girl Discount; want to be treated with respect and privilege. I want the world to toss me a smile and a wink as it rolls out the red carpet.

But I’m realistic. My priorities aren’t completely out of wack. I got this. I know who I am and what I should be aiming for. I don’t date out of my league. I stay in my lane.

Which is why my most recent online dating story is the most disturbing so far.

 I’m not gonna go into all of the sordid details, cause really, it’s not that important. But here are the vital facts:

Boy meets girl online.

Boy and girl have crazy chemistry and start talking and texting numerous times a day. The words baby and sweetheart mysteriously appear. The first text of the day and the last call before bed quickly become a daily occurrence.

Girl tells boy she is slightly chubby (#truthtalk) at the moment and working on getting healthy. Boy tells girl he just lost fifty pounds and likes a woman with a “real body”. He’s not worried. She is. She sends pics. Lots and lots of pics. *Some of which might have been naked pics. I’m not confirming nor denying that fact. Awkward. Let’s just move on, shall we?* He sees her photos and likes what he sees. A lot. Girl stops worrying.

Boy sends pics. He’s cute but never smiles. Not once. When girl asks about this boy tells her, “He doesn’t like the way his face crinkles up.” Girl thinks that’s weird and random but dismisses it cause she likes him.

One night, boy tells girl he has “A mild case of Cerebral Palsy. “ Girl googles this. Can’t find “mild case of” as it relates to CP anywhere but likes boy and is willing to go with it. He describes it as just having a “Little bit of a pimp walk.” Nothing serious.

Girl thinks that maybe having a little Cerebral Palsy might be a fair trade off for being chubby? Not sure. They make plans to meet.

Three days later, boy comes over to girl’s place and within minutes it’s clear that:

Boy has a serious fucking case of Cerebral Palsy.

Boy also has a condition where he has trouble looking people in the eyes. When she asks about the massive lack of eye contact that’s currently happening in the room, he mentions, “He is trying to work on it.” *Oh ok, good to know.*  

Boy also has really, really bad teeth (Black, rotting, crooked) and that’s why he barely opens his mouth, let alone smiles. Girl is no Shallow Hal but jay-us, boy has the teeth of an 1850’s Welsh coal miner. *So beyond not hot.*

After some intense and unsatisfying fumbling on the couch *Well, it was worth a shot* and a painful, semi-silent dinner at Outback Steakhouse *Classy!* boy turns to girl and demands to immediately take her home. It’s 9:30 pm.

So finally and most importantly, it is really super clear that boy…thinks girl is not good looking enough for him.  *Let’s pause for a moment and take that in, shall we?  Yes, surprise! Girl is the unattractive one in this story.*

That’s right…girl gets dumped by boy with Cerebral Palsy. *Brutal.*

*And no, before you ask, there was not anything else that happened or didn’t happen to scare him away. He straight up thought he could do better. Trust! *

Girl is in denial so she texts boy the next day. No answer. Girl can’t believe this is really happening. She texts one more time. Girl never hears back from boy.

The Bigger better deal strikes again.

My not so secret theory is that no matter what kind of baggage a guy is hauling around, he still thinks he deserves a 22 year old, smoking hot supermodel with a bra size bigger than her IQ who lives to make him happy.

God forbid he should commit to an average woman and miss his shot at eternal, endless bliss.

Obviously, I'm not a baby supermodel so I find this attitude beyond frustrating.

 I mean, I was willing to overlook this dude’s stuff…having Cerebral Palsy wasn’t even a deal breaker for me (*!*)…but somehow, I was the one who came up lacking.

It makes me question if by accepting him I was actually inviting him to reject me…I mean, in his mind I couldn’t have been that great if I was willing to put up with all that, right?

Oh, I don’t know. Whatever. I’m over thinking everything as usual. The point is, it was an epic Pretty Girl Discount Fail…but I’m still focused on improving me and moving forward, no matter what happens along the way.

So, to that end, I shook it off and took a field trip to my special happy place, Sephora, to check out the latest beauty products for fall. Because nothing heals the heart like a little shopping, right?

 

  

 

The first thing I found was this: Josie Maran Aragon Cleansing Oil. This product is genius!

I always have a really hard time getting all my eye makeup off without stripping my face of every last drop of moisture. I tried this stuff and it really works. It's oil but once you add water, it just seems like a mild, soapy cleanser and it totally removed all traces of my ultra black mascara with having to rub too hard. Plus, it wasn't super pricey-@ twenty bucks or so and if it will stop me from looking like a bedraggled raccoon...its priceless! 

 

I also loved all the new nail colors for fall. *Fancy!*

I guess gel nail polish is the latest deal. Which sounds amazing. My nails always end up chipping after three days max, whether I do them myself or pay for a professional manicure and it drives me crazy. So gel polish seems like a miracle solution.

I’ve never tried it but I have a friend who swears by it. Does it really last longer? I’d love to know…if you’ve given it a shot, hit me up and let me know if it works for you!

Finally, I decided to grab some on the go teeth whiteners. Mostly because I never want to be the person who’s rejected because of my teeth. I think because I suffered through nine years *Nine years!!!* of orthodontia that I like a good looking mouth on a man. So, I guess in the end, having bad teeth is the real deal breaker for me.

I like these little refresher thingys from Go Smile. You take one out, snap it to activate the gel and then apply it directly to your teeth. It takes about five minutes, max and really does work.

I got the thirty pack for thirty bucks and unless you go hogwild, this baby will last more than a year so its actually a steal.

So, as usual, I'm unsure as to when God is gonna give me my bigger, better deal. When I will finally be graced with a permanent Pretty Girl Discount, but you know what? When it does finally show up…You better believe I'll be smiling and my teeth are gonna be white! #TruDat!

 

ONLINE DATING-THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH

_{My PGD plan was in full effect. I was busy working out, repeating mantras and doing my best to improve my life in almost every regard. *Yeah, me!*}

_{And that includes my dating prospects. If you’ve been reading this blog then you’re totally aware that I have the most random radar for picking super inappropriate men. It’s seriously a gift. Like, if he is an aspiring rodeo clown who works part time as a scrapbooking specialist at Hobby Lobby, has an addiction to fill in the blank (Alcohol/Porn/Captain Crunch with Crunch berries), thinks stopping by my apartment for a quick handy counts as a first date and likes to play shady shell games with his heart…then I’m all in and twice on Sunday!}

_{My radar was in full effect when I finished working out last Thursday and then popped into the library for a quick browse of their new DVD releases (What? It’s only a $1 for a full week’s rental. So you can suck it Netflix!) As I was about to pick up Pitch Perfect, I was approached by a sweet, smiley black man with dirty dreadlocks who winked in my general direction and yelled loudly, “Hello pretty girl”.}

_{Brilliant. He thinks I’m pretty. Made my day. But don’t worry. I didn’t stop to chat. Even I could see that he was not dating material. And I wasn’t even wearing my glasses. #RealTalk}

_{The next night, I stopped by the grocery store after working out and sure enough, was hit on again. This time by a tall, good looking black man wearing headphones that strolled by me and asked, “So, do you work out?” “Uh, yeah. I just came from the gym, how did you know? *Sometimes, I really am just this dumb. I didn’t realize this was a line, I thought he just saw me there or something. Duh!* He slowly looked me over like a judge at a 4-H hog contest “I could tell you work out because you have a good body.” This was followed by the longest pause ever while he awkwardly stared at my ass in yoga pants for, oh…a good two minutes or so. Finally he licked his lips and spoke. “A goooood body” “Well, all righty then” I replied. “Thanks for that. Have a good night”}

_{And that was the moment I decided I was done with crazy. I was going to have to sign up for online dating.}

_{Here’s the deal. Everyone hates online dating. For good reason. Just the act of signing up for the thing forces a person to acknowledge their failure. Failure at being able to meet someone in the real world, in the ‘normal’ way. You know, like on Facebook.}

_{Failure to get and maintain an intimate, committed relationship that leads to awesome togetherness grossing total strangers out by recklessly PDAing around town and spending Sundays lazily eating pancakes while simultaneously having midafternoon sex romps during an American Pickers Marathon.}

_{It’s so public too. It’s like taking out a giant billboard advertising your unmarried status and saying, “Hey world! Guess what? I’m a loser and I have a complete and utter lack of other options. So, here I am, giving you single online realness! Uggh. It seriously begs the question…Am I defective or is the world, for failing to provide me with my heart’s desire? Hard to say, only God knows for sure and apparently he’s mad at me right now.}

_{But I was tired of the ridiculous prospects I was getting.  Clearly I could not be trusted to meet a quality man out in the real world.}

_{So what the hell, here we are. Even ‘pretty girls’ are forced to online date sometimes, so I put on my big girl panties *Not literally. I mean, I was trying to get a man. I went with a thong* and picked a site. I went with one that is free and seemed laid-back. Definitely didn’t go for the religious or niche sites (I’m not Jewish nor a Farmer). And I completely avoided posting a profile on Craig’s list or Plenty of Fish because I don’t enjoy being date-raped by narcissistic psychopaths who believe in aliens and still live at home with their over possesive mothers.}

_{After answering what seemed to be an endless array of annoying personal questions (If you were an ice cream sundae, what flavor would you be? How often do you masturbate? Name a hilarious and embarrassing incident from your past! ) I finally posted a profile, held my breath, drank some more merlot and…this is what came back to me.}

_{I’ve broken it down into a random cross section of responses. *Side note to loving but clueless family members. The next time you ask me, “So, who are you dating now?” and attempt to slide in a catty remark about me being “Way too picky” please refer back to the men listed below. This is what I’m working with. Thanks!*}

_{Just Plain Wrong}

_{Hi, I’m Craig, 34, handsome, smart, fun, work in finance, love dogs and…am married. You seem really beautiful and interesting. I travel to your city quite a bit from Chicago and would love to meet up with you for drinks, dinner and hopefully sex on a semi-regular basis. Hope you’re good with this. Get back to me as soon as you can.}

_{*Umm…sounds so appealing to be the mistress of a Midwestern banker who is riding dirty, but I think I’m gonna have to pass on that Craig!*}

_{Totally inappropriate}

_{“Hello, I’m Cody! So, I came across your profile! You seem really interesting and I’d love to get to know you more. Hope you don’t mind. J”}

_{*Adorable, right? He sounds great until I realize he just turned 18 and I eventually want to have a baby, not date one.*}

_{And Thomas whose first message to me was…}

_{“Hey there, I was wondering if I can interest you in a cooking date over at my place. We could bake a think crust pizza, (If this really existed that would be hilariously awesome! I would totally eat a think crust pizza.) sip on some wine, chat a bit, watch a movie while cuddling up in my couch!”}

_{*Wow Thomas, I know we’ve never met before but just FYI, I will make out like a horny teenager on prom night if I really like a guy but I don’t cuddle on the first date. I save spooning for a serious, committed relationship. But listen, since you’ve basically planned the whole thing anyway without even asking what I wanted to do… Are you even sure you need me? Why not just purchase one of those blow-up dolls? I’m pretty sure she’ll cuddle whatever you want, no questions asked! *}

_{Then there was Jared…}

_{His name was Jared so that should have been my first indicator. Anything and anyone named Jared is suspect. *This means you Jared* The name basically represents a dim-witted brosef who likes muscle cars, Ed Hardy shirts and fart jokes. *No offense to fart jokes.*}

_{We emailed briefly and then went straight to texting. After one brief exchange I could tell he was a solid hell no.}

_{To recap, this is what Jared had to say about Jared.}

_{He was not just good but “amazing in bed” (his exact words) and he “just really liked to please women”. He was also in the middle of a messy divorce as he had just found his wife cheating on him on Valentine’s Day so he was looking to revenge fuck his way out of his depression. *Charming*.}

_{I quickly wrapped up our text chat but he was relentless, texting repeatedly over and over again at two pm, at midnight and constantly the next day.}

_{Wanting to know ‘What’s up?”}

_{“Uh, hey Jared? Nothing’s up. Not for you anyway”}

_{Finally, I texted back as nicely as possible to say that I wasn’t interested but good luck and take care.}

_{He texted back, “That is so fucking gay”.}

_{Which obviously did not even warrant a reply, so I ignored him.}

_{And then he texts, “So, what? You’re not interested now?”}

_{*That is correct Jared.*}

_{He texts again.}

_{“So, what you’re just gonna ignore me now?}

_{*Yup…pretty much.*}

_{I continue to ignore Jared and never texted back.}

_{Three days later he texted me again, “What’s up?”}

_{*Nothing, Jared. Nothing’s up for you. Ever! Jaysus!*}

_{I move on to other greener, more inappropriate pastures. One guy writes…}

_{“Hi Sweety i see your profil i lik it alot because you’re look a sexy and hounset girl. Shortly i like you and whantto be your freind I hope to your accept me like freind.”}

_{*No, no I don’t accept you like freind. Sorry if this seems harsh, I was just being hounset. *}

_{Behold the hipster idiot who messages me only these words…}

_{“Rock hard!!! Hallelejujah!!!! I wanna play your ass like a video game. Lllool!”}

_{*Put the pipe down now. I said put it down cause you are totally gonna regret this tomorrow. I know you are only doing drugs “ironically” but honey, your body doesn’t know that. You should just go back to playing YuGioh and stop messaging everyone on this site. It’s embarrassing*}

_{I also got a lot of “You are gorgeous, you are beautiful, you are a stunning redhead.” Which was all very nice but they were usually from guys with no pictures or information whatsoever on their profiles. It was like being spammed by a crew of complimentary ghosts.}  

_{I also got this message…}

_{“You like sex? Cooooooool! You are built like a machine” #word}

_*Totally*

_{And this one which just might be my personal favorite…}

_{“I like you, I am Chinese.”}

 _{* I think it pretty much says it all don’t you? *}

_{Creepy/Perverted}

_{This dude’s first message to me was…}

_{“You have some awesome pictures, but I’m sure every guy says that. If you’d ever want to pose (hands off) my female colleague would love to be your photographers. I’m always looking for new models willing for “pinup girl” and niche leg shots (in nylons only). If not interested, I completely understand.”}

_{*Do you? Do you understand? Do you understand that all I wanted was a good guy to date and I’m not really looking to pose for soft-core fetish photographs in nylons for a total fucking stranger for free? I’m gonna take a pass on that…but thanks for trying to pimp me out to your friends. Uggh, I feel dirty. I gotta go take a shower now*}

_{No Means No Mister}

_{Meet Gruntor96. He messages me with the following:}

_{“I am looking for right woman for a long trem relationship. Iam open for a relationship. I am hoset and trustworthy caring. I like walks and cuddly looking for a soul mate. I funny open minded.”}

_{*I didn’t reply because I like to date men a little further up on the food chain…you know, guys with opposable thumbs and such.*}

_{So then I get this…}

_{“Hi how are you doing today like to hear from like to talk to you like to get know more and more about me this is Grunt96”}

_{I ignore it so five minutes later I get this…}

_{“Hi I can tel more about me if you want this is Grunt96 I am still working on profile”}

_{*I ignore it again but feel a little bit bad…I mean, he is trying…*}

_{Then I get this…}

_{“I like to hear from more if want I like to get know you are you interested let me know you very fun presson I like to get to know and let more about me like said my profile I am still working on it this Grunt96 let me know”}

_{*I stop feeling bad and start feeling trapped.*}

_{Five minutes after that…}

_{“I liked to really hear from I have go to work today but hear from like talk to you tomarrow if you want this is Grunt96”}

_{*I start wondering if his name is Jared*}

_{The next day I hear from him again}

_{“I want talk I want see you feel you let me know we now this is Grunt96”}

_{This went on for three days.}

_{I never replied to him once.}

_{That did not stop him in the slightest.}

_{I was also messaged by this persistant jackwagon….}

_{He was 22 so I very politely told him he’s too young for me…aaand so of course he then just keeps messaging me every day. Every. Single. Day.}

_{These are his messages….}

_“Ugh.”

_{“Seriously?”}

_“Hey.”

_“What?”

_“No?”

_{And finally he sends me this….}

_{“So say your friends told you they heard a guy you seen around and they told you his…is almost as big as his forearm what would you think?}

_{*I would say you seriously should not believe everything you see on the internet*}

_{The Worst Kind}

_{I totally saved the best for last. Here you go….this is real people! This guy (who btw looks about oh, 75 years old) sends me this classic gem}

_{“Hey Cutie! My name’s George but you can call me PawPaw. What you up to Butterbabe?”}

_{Just for kicks I message back, “How old are you?”}

_{He replys, “I’m 63 years old but age doesn’t matter. Agreed? I guess my genital just got hard. Lol. They say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth obviously they haven’t been on my genital. Lol. I just made my day. J}

_{*Seriously? There are no words*}

_{And Then There Was One}

_{Hmmm….anything is possible with the right person. Out of all the men who messaged me, there is someone who fits the bill.  Handsome, grown-up, smart, sexy, funny and totally a non-serial killer type dude who reeks of possibility.}

_{But no expectations…we will just have to see what happens. Fingers crossed he doesn’t show me a picture of his dick in a parking lot.}

_{*God my standards aren’t very high are they? I seriously gotta do something about that*}