THE BIGGER, BETTER DEAL

These days, everyone seems to be doing it. Looking over their shoulder at what lies just beyond in an endless attempt to upgrade. They want a better job, a better romance, a better life.

And I’m no different. I too want it all. I want the Pretty Girl Discount; want to be treated with respect and privilege. I want the world to toss me a smile and a wink as it rolls out the red carpet.

But I’m realistic. My priorities aren’t completely out of wack. I got this. I know who I am and what I should be aiming for. I don’t date out of my league. I stay in my lane.

Which is why my most recent online dating story is the most disturbing so far.

 I’m not gonna go into all of the sordid details, cause really, it’s not that important. But here are the vital facts:

Boy meets girl online.

Boy and girl have crazy chemistry and start talking and texting numerous times a day. The words baby and sweetheart mysteriously appear. The first text of the day and the last call before bed quickly become a daily occurrence.

Girl tells boy she is slightly chubby (#truthtalk) at the moment and working on getting healthy. Boy tells girl he just lost fifty pounds and likes a woman with a “real body”. He’s not worried. She is. She sends pics. Lots and lots of pics. *Some of which might have been naked pics. I’m not confirming nor denying that fact. Awkward. Let’s just move on, shall we?* He sees her photos and likes what he sees. A lot. Girl stops worrying.

Boy sends pics. He’s cute but never smiles. Not once. When girl asks about this boy tells her, “He doesn’t like the way his face crinkles up.” Girl thinks that’s weird and random but dismisses it cause she likes him.

One night, boy tells girl he has “A mild case of Cerebral Palsy. “ Girl googles this. Can’t find “mild case of” as it relates to CP anywhere but likes boy and is willing to go with it. He describes it as just having a “Little bit of a pimp walk.” Nothing serious.

Girl thinks that maybe having a little Cerebral Palsy might be a fair trade off for being chubby? Not sure. They make plans to meet.

Three days later, boy comes over to girl’s place and within minutes it’s clear that:

Boy has a serious fucking case of Cerebral Palsy.

Boy also has a condition where he has trouble looking people in the eyes. When she asks about the massive lack of eye contact that’s currently happening in the room, he mentions, “He is trying to work on it.” *Oh ok, good to know.*  

Boy also has really, really bad teeth (Black, rotting, crooked) and that’s why he barely opens his mouth, let alone smiles. Girl is no Shallow Hal but jay-us, boy has the teeth of an 1850’s Welsh coal miner. *So beyond not hot.*

After some intense and unsatisfying fumbling on the couch *Well, it was worth a shot* and a painful, semi-silent dinner at Outback Steakhouse *Classy!* boy turns to girl and demands to immediately take her home. It’s 9:30 pm.

So finally and most importantly, it is really super clear that boy…thinks girl is not good looking enough for him.  *Let’s pause for a moment and take that in, shall we?  Yes, surprise! Girl is the unattractive one in this story.*

That’s right…girl gets dumped by boy with Cerebral Palsy. *Brutal.*

*And no, before you ask, there was not anything else that happened or didn’t happen to scare him away. He straight up thought he could do better. Trust! *

Girl is in denial so she texts boy the next day. No answer. Girl can’t believe this is really happening. She texts one more time. Girl never hears back from boy.

The Bigger better deal strikes again.

My not so secret theory is that no matter what kind of baggage a guy is hauling around, he still thinks he deserves a 22 year old, smoking hot supermodel with a bra size bigger than her IQ who lives to make him happy.

God forbid he should commit to an average woman and miss his shot at eternal, endless bliss.

Obviously, I'm not a baby supermodel so I find this attitude beyond frustrating.

 I mean, I was willing to overlook this dude’s stuff…having Cerebral Palsy wasn’t even a deal breaker for me (*!*)…but somehow, I was the one who came up lacking.

It makes me question if by accepting him I was actually inviting him to reject me…I mean, in his mind I couldn’t have been that great if I was willing to put up with all that, right?

Oh, I don’t know. Whatever. I’m over thinking everything as usual. The point is, it was an epic Pretty Girl Discount Fail…but I’m still focused on improving me and moving forward, no matter what happens along the way.

So, to that end, I shook it off and took a field trip to my special happy place, Sephora, to check out the latest beauty products for fall. Because nothing heals the heart like a little shopping, right?

 

  

 

The first thing I found was this: Josie Maran Aragon Cleansing Oil. This product is genius!

I always have a really hard time getting all my eye makeup off without stripping my face of every last drop of moisture. I tried this stuff and it really works. It's oil but once you add water, it just seems like a mild, soapy cleanser and it totally removed all traces of my ultra black mascara with having to rub too hard. Plus, it wasn't super pricey-@ twenty bucks or so and if it will stop me from looking like a bedraggled raccoon...its priceless! 

 

I also loved all the new nail colors for fall. *Fancy!*

I guess gel nail polish is the latest deal. Which sounds amazing. My nails always end up chipping after three days max, whether I do them myself or pay for a professional manicure and it drives me crazy. So gel polish seems like a miracle solution.

I’ve never tried it but I have a friend who swears by it. Does it really last longer? I’d love to know…if you’ve given it a shot, hit me up and let me know if it works for you!

Finally, I decided to grab some on the go teeth whiteners. Mostly because I never want to be the person who’s rejected because of my teeth. I think because I suffered through nine years *Nine years!!!* of orthodontia that I like a good looking mouth on a man. So, I guess in the end, having bad teeth is the real deal breaker for me.

I like these little refresher thingys from Go Smile. You take one out, snap it to activate the gel and then apply it directly to your teeth. It takes about five minutes, max and really does work.

I got the thirty pack for thirty bucks and unless you go hogwild, this baby will last more than a year so its actually a steal.

So, as usual, I'm unsure as to when God is gonna give me my bigger, better deal. When I will finally be graced with a permanent Pretty Girl Discount, but you know what? When it does finally show up…You better believe I'll be smiling and my teeth are gonna be white! #TruDat!