Sorry this post is going up so late but I had a Home Depot kind of day. You know, just like in the ads? Where a normally docile suburban lady dweller *That would be me* wakes up on a Sunday full of churning desire to improve my entire world in six hours using only the gumption God gave me, an insane, misguided belief in my own abilities and an unlimited line of credit at The Home Depot. "Let's do this", echoed so loudly in the back of my mind I thought I actually could. And so, armed only with my new pink work gloves *So pretty, so clean, so impractical* and old gym shoes, I stomped into the side yard ready to tackle the overgrowth from the last six months.
This led to meeting my neighbor who bailed me out when she saw me attempt to dig up a tree with a pair of scissors. She's awesome. *So sweet & nice. Plus she grew up on a farm so she had real tools and knew how to use them. Handy.* We spent the next four hours getting to know each other while digging, tilling, pulling, chopping and shoving green stuff into yard bags.
Unlike the ads on TV where the smug couple finish the job in their clean khakis and cashmere pullovers and then sip a delightful mug of chamomile tea and ponder the merits of adopting a third world orphan with what's left of their Sunday *Come on lollypop, we can do it. We've got three whole hours left!* on their newly constructed front porch, I was exhausted.
Yeah, unlike them, my yard work led to me taking a Silkwood shower and passing out on my couch until 7pm at night. *Dead sober. This might be a first*
Did I mention that I never ate breakfast before tackling my yard maintenance? Oops! So, I was starving when I woke up and decided to start over with the most important meal of the day. At 8 o'clock at night. *It's sad but I pretty much am my own latch key kid*
Which lead me to just posting this now.
*Anyway.* What I really wanted to talk about was Whore-Oween. More specifically, what kind of slut am I gonna be on October 31st?
Because let's face it...men get to be sluts year round but for women there really is just that one special night of the year where we get to go buck wild and pretend that we don't love all the attention. Good girls gone slutty seems to be the trend at every costume shop across America*Blurred lines* I mean, you just try and find a cat, witch or devil outfit that isn't more explicit than a pap smear and I will show you on the map where you are in Canada.
Every costume has to be a slut. Them's the rules. And I intend to stand by it. I too, will be dressed as a slut...Even if I'm just stuck handing out cheap candy to the neighborhood kids. *And scaring the pants off them. Well, only if their over 18. I'm not totally creepy*
But this year, I've been having trouble deciding what exactly I'm gonna be. Get a bunch of paint samples and go as Fifty Shades of Grey? *The Sluttyness is implied*
How about a slutty Sharknado?
Or Miley. I mean, there's just so much I can do with that. Go as a slutty, twerking Panda? A slutty foam finger? Or a slutty wrecking ball. *Wait. That's redundant. Everyone knows that wrecking balls are already slutty. They will literally bang any building. Even ones in the bad part of town. Ha!*
Later this week, I'm gonna bust out a throwback Halloween story that will blow your socks off but in the meantime...if you've got some suggestions on costumes for me, send them my way. *Seriously. This means you. Please comment on my blog. I don't write in a vacuum. I need constant praise and approval in order to survive. Thanks*
Cause if nobody gives me a better idea...I might just go as The Government Shutdown. I'm gonna dress up as a non-essential employee *Slutty, of course* so that way, I don't have to spend any money on candy and can use it instead to pay off my Home Depot credit card.
Or wait? What If I just combined it all & just went as The Ho Depot? Now that's a suburban dream I can get behind *And twerk the hell out of it. Take that Hannah Montana!*
