I'm getting pretty good at dodging bullets. I mean, I still don't notice when the gun gets loaded or when its pointed directly at my face, but at least now I duck when it goes off. At least now, I don't get shot. I just have excellent battle stories to tell and this week is no exception.
Online Dating Disaster Number One.
I emailed with this dude *Mr. Marijuana* a couple of times and then we talked on the phone twice. He was highly aggressive, funny as hell and very intense. And although he seemed a tad bit controlling off the bat, he works as a video game designer and I thought we might have a lot in common as I also work in the entertainment industry. If I'm being honest, it was a little troubling that the first time we chatted he admitted he was super high and the second time we talked he was in the middle of a house party and busy drinking himself into oblivion. *Somewhere in the future there is a twelve step meeting waiting for him to show up*
He texted the next day to say he was proud of himself that he hadn't drunk dialed me all night to tell me how much he liked me. *At this point my expectations are so low, I was just relieved that some guy I had never even met before didn't wake me up in the middle of the night.*
We both were pretty busy so we arranged to have a coffee date Thursday afternoon. I was really looking forward to it and went all out curling my hair, slapping on the full face drag and wearing a super cute, casual outfit that didn't scream *Catfish*
When I first approached him at Espresso Royale, *Best latte's evah!*
I don't think either one of us was very thrilled by each other physically. How could I tell, you ask? Well, he never said one word about how I looked and for my part, he was 6'5 about a buck fifty and pretty unkempt. *Like, no effort whatsoever had been made in the grooming department which included a scraggly, unshaven facial mess, longish fingernails and dirty jeans* But I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt so I sat down and waited for him to offer to buy me a cup of coffee *Yes please* or a tea or a cookie or something *He never offered*
Instead he launched into a rapid fire monologue about his career and what he wanted to do with his life. *He never asked any questions about me so I tried to add personal info about myself in the brief seconds when he was forced to inhale. I was mildly successful* He also commented about how "pricey" the drinks here were. *Uh-huh*
Suddenly he launched into an insane lecture about the merits of weed. How, "It has no side effects whatsoever" and "Is actually really good for you" and "How he knew what he was talking about because he had done the research" *His friend Justin gets high all the time and told him it was true and so there you have it. Conclusive proof*
When I told him that while I didn't care if people smoked weed *It just isn't my thing but I'm not super judgy about it* however I wasn't going to agree that it was good for you, he tried to convince me I was wrong. When I respectfully suggested that we should agree to disagree, he told me I was uptight and had issues with weed. I kept trying to change the subject over & over but this dude would just not get off his ridiculous obsession with weed. His lecture lasted over thirty minutes.*Thirty minutes!* When he loudly declared that, "Unlike alcohol, nobody has ever killed anyone by driving while high" and I disagreed stating that surely at some point in the history of the world this has actually happened before. He demanded to see my proof. *Really? Cause I travel with prepared power point presentations just for situations like this, you jack wagon.*
Having finally reached my limit, I just stood up and told him I had to get back to work. Aaaand, that's when he stared yelling and arguing that I should give him more of a chance, that I was wrong for not wanting to date him and it was my fault I didn't like the conversation since I was the one who had such an "issue" with weed.
I told him all I wanted was to get to know him better (and for him to get to know me) and I had no interest in debating the merits of weed. He literally yelled at me that weed, "Is me. It is super important to me, its what I'm passionate about and you should know that. This is getting to know me." *I have learned that you really can't argue with crazy so I just walked quickly to my car and drove away into the sunset.*
*Bullet dodged*
Online Dating Disaster Number Two
Since I was on such a roll, that same night I chatted with another dude I had been emailing online. He was a little reserved *Depressed? Suicidal? Or just polite. Hard to tell really* and was recently out of a relationship *I know, I know* but seemed, by comparison to be relatively sane. So far, so good. However the next night, Friday, he texted me at 8pm asking what I was doing right then and if I wanted to get together. I was already out with friends but told him I could meet up on Saturday night. *I should have known* He texted back "Cool." So, I thought we were on but Saturday night came and went and no sign of Mr. Newly Single. *I'm guessing that he was trying to reintroduce his penis back into the wild and since I wasn't interested in having sex with a guy I had never met before, he moved on to greener, skankier pastures*
At this point, I just thanked God for little favors *Bullet number two dodged* and kept it moving. So, instead of spending my night with yet another dating disaster I settled down with the giant Jenga tower of camp that was Lifetime's, "House of Versace".
What can I say? The wigs, the terrible, over the top Italian by way of The San Fernando Valley accents, the coked out supermodels sashaying down the runway to bad euro trash beats plus Gina Gershon and Rachel Welch! *Oh, the low budget glamour of it all! * My inner gay man was very, very happy!
So, while I am deeply ashamed that this week I wasted even more of my life on men that have less common decency than a twerk, I will never regret the two hours I spent with the day shift hooker version of Donatella Versace-because it was the most satisfying thing I had all week.
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