SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL

It’s weird but I always seem to meet guys when I least expect it. I’m usually blindsided at the gym, the post office and most frequently at the grocery store. *Why the grocery store? Who the hell knows? Maybe men are actually good at multi-tasking after all?* But once I get that hot little shopping cart in my hands, its like I'm a magnet and last Monday was no exception.

 

Fresh from the gym, dressed seductively in sweats and still slightly sweaty, I was hauling groceries into my trusty Toyota when I sensed this man approaching me. Sure enough, I turned around and there he was leaning against the trunk. *Semi-tall, slighty preppy & Black. Pretty cute actually. He had potential.* “Do you need help putting your stuff in your car?, he mumbled.” Now, seeing that I currently live in a smallish Midwestern town I’m sure he actually meant it.

I however, am from Los Angeles and view all help from strangers with suspicion and mistrust. I tend to immediately go into self-defense attack mode when a random man tries to be a gentleman. *This may or may not be normal, but I was in a dark parking lot late at night so we'll save the pychobabble for when I can finally afford a therapist, mmkay? Thanks!*.

Anyway, I didn’t want to be rude. *Of course not! Why would I want to be rude to a potential attacker? He might get the wrong idea.* So, I told him no, but then let him chat me up. Because after all, I was single. He seemed normal. Had recently moved down from Chicago. Divorced with a 3 year old daughter. Gainfully employed.*Or so he said. I found out later that his idea of a career was working part-time selling used auto parts out of the back of a van. But I'm getting ahead of myself here* He really was cute so I gave him my number and we made plans to go out the following weekend.

We chatted a few times during the week and he solidified his standing as a non-serial killer. Funny, interesting and super flirty, he gave good phone. *Not bad for a pickup in the parking lot of Meijer’s.*  Once again, he brought up wanting to take me out on a date.  Not a ‘Cool, I might show up to that too if you’re going’, or a ‘Me and my friends are gonna be there if you wanna drop by’ or even the classic, ‘Lets chill out at home watching movies until I can talk you into a hand job’ but an actual 'Lets get dressed up and show up at the same time, same place, get to know each other adult date type situation'. He even said the words, “This is a date. I’m paying for everything and I can’t wait to see you”. *Amazing! As far as I know, most men haven't uttered that line since 2003*

My first real date since I moved here. *Since oh, God knows when. It's too depressing to even count, let's just move on, shall we? * I tried not to have expectations as I showered and got dressed but I was kinda excited. I thought, this is a total pretty girl move. This is what it’s like when men treat me with respect. An actual date. Hey, I am making progress here!

 

Running slightly late *Btw, I’m always slightly late. I can’t help it, I’m pretty sure it’s genetic* I jumped in the car and sped towards the Old Orchard bowling alley where we had decided to meet. Now, before you get all judgy on me, let me just say that 1) It was my idea. I picked bowling because I like the first date to be casual and active in some way so as to avoid those awkward getting to know you pauses.

2) They have an amazing bar. Again, being drunk is so handy when avoiding those awkward getting to know you pauses. 3) Who doesn’t love bowling? *It’s the only sport where you can chow down on pizza & hot wings, chug a vodka spritzer, rock ridiculous shoes and still be considered a winner, right? What's not to love?*

The parking lot was only half full as I pulled in and there were plenty of lanes open inside but no Mr. Date. I poked my head into the bar but no sign of him there either. Trying not to panic I quickly dialed his number. He picked up on the first ring. “Hey. What’s up?” “Um, I’m here. Where are you?” I tried not to sound needy. “Oh, didn’t you get my message?” “No, what message?” I shouted.  “I texted you. I can’t go tonight.”

*What the hell!!!!*

“What do you mean you can’t go out with me tonight? I just talked to you like, two hours ago and you were all excited to see me. So, what’s changed in two hours?” *I was pissed. This was so not happening to me.*

“I know, I was excited to see you." He stuttered, "I do want to see you, but I can’t. I was supposed to get paid but my check didn’t come. I don’t have any money so…I can’t go out.”

I let the enormity of the situation sink in. I was trying to date a man that didn’t have the money to take a woman out on a date at a bowling alley. A bowling alley! In the Midwest. Where a game cost $4.25 and drinks clock in at the massive rate of $3.00 each.  *That means his net worth had to be in the range somewhere below $10.00. I know times are tough, and I am not all about the money, honey, but even for me, this was a new low.*

I can’t believe I did it again.

“Um, ok, is this an excuse or do you really not have money?” I demanded. “ No” he replied, “ I really do want to see you I just don’t have the money.“ I wasn’t sure what to think. *I mean I could have ditched the denial, believed the words coming out of his mouth and let it go, but I'm codependent so that really wasn't an option for me.* “Well, I got all dressed up and I’m here so if you really want to see me, you should come down.” I demanded. And with that, I hung up the phone and went into the bar for a stiff drink.

 

Now, I had two choices. Turn around and go home or….start bowling. So, I did what any normal, self-respecting woman would do and began bowling. By myself. On a Saturday night. Surrounded by League Players. *Semi-pathetic but whatever, I was determined to not cave into the depression just hovering around the edges of this fiasco* Besides I was all dressed up and looked good. Maybe I would meet somebody else. *Dear God, please let me meet someone else. Someone with more than ten dollars to their name.*

 As my first game wound down *I broke 100 thank you very much!* wouldn’t you know it, Mr. Date strolled in looking sheepish and dressed in a backwards baseball cap, short jean pants and a Chicago Bears jersey. *Heartland Boojie Casual*

Now, what disturbed me about his ensemble was that he either did not make an effort or…his outfit was the result of him making an effort. Either way his fashion conundrum was like a giant red flag and I was seriously beginning to question my invitation to meet me here. *Shocking that I'm just beginning to question it now, but that my friends, is what makes my real life a never-ending pot of comedy gold, doncha think?*

“Hey. I’m here. I had to borrow money from my mom for gas but I’m here.” He smiled.  *Holy shit. His Mom? He's 36 years old! Maybe his net worth was less than $10.* “Hey, ok….wow. Well, thanks for coming down.” *I guess. Whatever. Was this even the same guy? Why did he look so much different in the light? I really gotta get some glasses*

He immediately tried to start bowling on my game but without paying for bowling shoes or the lane. *Janky*  Super annoyed, I offered to pay for one more game for the both of us. So, to recap, first I have been stood up and now I am paying for our date. *It’s like a humiliation two-fer.*

Somehow, my Pretty Girl Discount agenda has gone horribly off the rails. Regardless, we pressed on. We bowled and chatted. He seemed bitter about his ex-wife and his job prospects. He didn’t ask any questions about me at all, just rambled on about himself for the best part of an hour. Suddenly I remembered that I wasn't his girlfriend, so I didn't have to care and abruptly decided to leave. *Brilliant*

“I gotta go now.” I turned in my shoes at the front desk and started for the door. “I’ll walk you out” he mumbled.

We ended up in front of my car. Now that he was out with me, live in the flesh, he didn’t want to let me go. I went in for the goodbye hug and he planted one on my lips. “Wow. Ok. Was not expecting that. Well, I really gotta go now” I whispered. With that I made the move towards opening my car door and a clean getaway.

“Wait, wait” he pleaded. “I wanna show you something” He ran towards his car parked a few spots away.

“I wanna show you my dick.” He yelled.  *Um, what?* “Your dick? Right here in the parking lot?” *Seriously? Was this guy insane? Was he getting naked right here, right now? And what about me says this is my idea of a good time? This is our first date and while I am ninety-nine flavors of fun sauce, I am seriously not that kind of girl*

All of a sudden he squeezed up to me on my left flashing his phone in my face. “It’s my dick. Do you like it?” He asked proudly.

“Um…” *What is the etiquette exactly on complimenting a guy’s junk you barely know?* If I say something positive, he might want to show me the real deal. If I say something negative….well, he might want to show me the real deal to prove me wrong. Let’s face it. The guy just wanted to show me his dick. In a parking lot. Of a bowling alley. *You know, I’m new in town so on a Saturday night in the Midwest this might pass for good times but I wanted no part of it.*

“Um…it’s ok.” I finally managed. “Oh, am I freaking you out?” he questioned. *You think?* “Uh, yeah, I gotta go.” And so I did. Leaving him standing there, wondering why this woman he barely knows didn’t want to examine his strange dick pics any further.

For my part, I hit up Arby’s for a classic beef & cheddar *Diet be dammed!* and then drove around for a while wondering why shit like this always happens to me.

In the end, I decided that it might be a good idea to not chat up strange men in parking lots. Especially in the dark. Late at night. *Maybe try that on for a bit.* I’m fairly certain that in the Pretty Girl rulebook that might be listed under DUH! But ok, I’m slow, so lesson learned.

If anything, it just made me more determined than ever to change whatever I needed to do, to make sure I got my Pretty Girl Discount. So that the next time a man asks me out on a date, I don’t end up by myself after midnight, with a mouth full of processed meat and cheese. *Though to be honest, it did look a lot better than his dick so I think I made the right choice*