WHERE IN THE WORLD IS MY PRETTY GIRL DISCOUNT?

Pretty Girl Discount Tally

Today: 0

Here’s the thing…looks matter. For some people, it’s all that matters. It’s not the end destination, it’s a lifestyle choice. Now, nobody has ever accused me of being superficial but I was born and raised in Los Angeles so you do the math. My entire life, I was literally surrounded by pretty people. Every fucking beauty queen from around the world regularly relocated to my city at an alarming rate. Everyone from the garbage man to the checkout girl at The Pavilions grocery store was so very special, photogenic…beautiful.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m no Quasimodo. I don’t have to lurk in dark alleys or anything…I clean up well. But…I’m not and have never been accused of being one of those girls. A perfect “pretty girl”. I’m different. An acquired taste, I guess. I’m super pale. I have red hair. I’m LA fat. Not to be confused with real world fat (anything over a size fourteen) or NY fat (which is anything over a size zero) But definitely chubbyesque. And I’m tall (5’9) so I have no excuse.

I ‘m usually the girl guys date before they meet “the one” and get married. I’m the girl who was really fun and who made them laugh and feel awesome about themselves, but they always felt they could do a little bit better and eventually left. Now, before you start feeling too sorry for me…it is true that I have a long and sordid history of dating actors, alcoholics and assholes (sometimes all three wrapped up in one tempting package), so that probably explains most of it, but still….

As an actor I have literally been pulled out of shots and replaced with girls who were blonder, thinner and had way bigger boobs. This happened a lot actually so even though I was attractive, by comparison I seemed like the “not so pretty one.” The one destined to hover in the background while others hogged the spotlight.

But as much as it was a struggle to get anywhere in a city that mostly prizes looks above everything else, it did force me to perfect my best attribute; my personality. I know, I’m a total fat girl cliché. But it’s true…I couldn’t count on getting what I wanted by relying on my looks so instead I double downed on my wit, fabulous sense of humor and what talent I had.

And it worked. For a while anyway. By sheer force of will and the grace of God (of course!), I was moderately successful as a comedian, writer & producer. I had legit credits, I was doing stuff…and I was working. But then I decided that I wanted more. I wanted what very few people in LA actually have no matter how successful they are…I wanted a life. So, I up and moved away. I traveled through a few states and then ended up performing in Texas when the world crashed.

The Great Recession? Check. Semi/underemployed? Check. Double check. Careening through a series of bad relationships, worse job prospects and a shocking lack of direction? Check, check, check. I spent two years veering between weekly gigs performing stand-up for appreciative audiences and a series of humbling, low-paying, soul sucking jobs. Retail, anyone?

So finally, I did what any normal, college educated woman from a big city would do…I fled to the Midwest. I know, random, right? But now that I’m here I’m determined to take full advantage of my do-over. I’m going to get what I’ve always secretly coveted…a pretty girl discount.

For those of you wondering out there in cyberspace…According to urban slang, the definition of a Pretty Girl Discount is this: Preferential treatment given to a female by members of the opposite sex. Basically, it’s a non-stop fairyland where you get stuff for free, men trip over themselves to do things for you and even other women are more deferential. Sounds good to me, where do I sign up?

Getting better dates, better job prospects and better opportunities equals a better life so really, having a pretty girl discount is like possessing the best rewards card at the most exclusive shops. I see you Nordy’s and I raise you!

Now, that I’m in yet another new city can I finally pull off becoming a “pretty girl”? We'll see. In a world in which everybody has their own reality show/product line/ghostwritten NY Times bestselling book…I'm only one Bravo appearance from becoming a public pretty girl!  Are you there Andy Cohen? It’s me, Lydia.

So, this blog is my way to document my struggles living a non-supermodel life and the ongoing tragedy of not being treated special. I’ll also get into exploring everything from fashion to makeup, to self-help treatments to online dating (yikes!) in an effort to finally get the attention I so richly deserve. Who knows what's going to go down? I might turn into a self-entitled, narcissist bitch. I might start spending way too much time looking at myself in the mirror. I might get married. Or I might learn to finally, really, truly love myself. I won’t be getting plastic surgery but I will be losing weight. And I for sure am going to stop being so nice. Because being a “nice girl” is the kiss of death when you're trying to learn to make it all about you.

It’s time to put myself first...to start treating myself the way I want the world to see me. It’s time...to start getting my pretty girl discount!