My PGD plan was in full effect. I was busy
working out, repeating mantras and doing my best to improve my life in almost
every regard. *Yeah, me!*
And that includes my dating prospects. If you’ve
been reading this blog then you’re totally aware that I have the most random radar
for picking super inappropriate men. It’s seriously a gift. Like, if he is an
aspiring rodeo clown who works part time as a scrapbooking specialist at Hobby
Lobby, has an addiction to fill in the
blank (Alcohol/Porn/Captain Crunch with Crunch berries), thinks stopping by
my apartment for a quick handy counts as a first date and likes to play shady
shell games with his heart…then I’m all in and twice on Sunday!
My radar was in full effect when I finished
working out last Thursday and then popped into the library for a quick browse
of their new DVD releases (What? It’s only a $1 for a full week’s rental. So
you can suck it Netflix!) As I was about to pick up Pitch Perfect, I was
approached by a sweet, smiley black man with dirty dreadlocks who winked in my
general direction and yelled loudly, “Hello pretty girl”.
Brilliant. He thinks I’m pretty. Made my day.
But don’t worry. I didn’t stop to chat. Even I could see that he was not dating
material. And I wasn’t even wearing my glasses. #RealTalk
The next night, I stopped by the grocery store
after working out and sure enough, was hit on again. This time by a tall, good
looking black man wearing headphones that strolled by me and asked, “So, do you
work out?” “Uh, yeah. I just came from the gym, how did you know? *Sometimes, I really am just this dumb. I
didn’t realize this was a line, I thought he just saw me there or something. Duh!*
He slowly looked me over like a judge at a 4-H hog contest “I could tell you
work out because you have a good body.” This was followed by the longest pause
ever while he awkwardly stared at my ass in yoga pants for, oh…a good two
minutes or so. Finally he licked his lips and spoke. “A goooood body” “Well, all
righty then” I replied. “Thanks for that. Have a good night”
And that was the moment I decided I was
done with crazy. I was going to have to sign up for online dating.
Here’s the deal. Everyone hates online dating.
For good reason. Just the act of
signing up for the thing forces a person to acknowledge their failure. Failure
at being able to meet someone in the real world, in the ‘normal’ way. You know,
like on Facebook.
Failure to get and maintain an intimate,
committed relationship that leads to awesome togetherness grossing total strangers
out by recklessly PDAing around town and spending Sundays lazily eating
pancakes while simultaneously having midafternoon sex romps during an American
Pickers Marathon.
It’s so public too. It’s like taking out a giant
billboard advertising your unmarried status and saying, “Hey world! Guess what?
I’m a loser and I have a complete and utter lack of other options. So, here I
am, giving you single online realness! Uggh. It seriously begs the question…Am
I defective or is the world, for failing to provide me with my heart’s desire?
Hard to say, only God knows for sure and apparently he’s mad at me right now.
But I was tired of the ridiculous prospects I
was getting. Clearly I could not be
trusted to meet a quality man out in the real world.
So what the hell, here we are. Even ‘pretty
girls’ are forced to online date sometimes, so I put on my big girl panties *Not literally. I mean, I was trying to get
a man. I went with a thong* and picked a site. I went with one that is free
and seemed laid-back. Definitely didn’t go for the religious or niche sites
(I’m not Jewish nor a Farmer). And I completely avoided posting a profile on
Craig’s list or Plenty of Fish because I don’t enjoy being date-raped by narcissistic
psychopaths who believe in aliens and still live at home with their over possesive
mothers.
After answering what seemed to be an endless array
of annoying personal questions (If you were an ice cream sundae, what flavor
would you be? How often do you masturbate? Name a hilarious and embarrassing
incident from your past! ) I finally posted a profile, held my breath, drank
some more merlot and…this is what came back to me.
I’ve broken it down into a random cross section
of responses. *Side note to loving but
clueless family members. The next time you ask me, “So, who are you dating now?”
and attempt to slide in a catty remark about me being “Way too picky” please
refer back to the men listed below. This is what I’m working with. Thanks!*
Just
Plain Wrong
Hi, I’m Craig, 34, handsome, smart, fun, work in
finance, love dogs and…am married. You seem really beautiful and interesting. I
travel to your city quite a bit from Chicago and would love to meet up with you
for drinks, dinner and hopefully sex on a semi-regular basis. Hope you’re good
with this. Get back to me as soon as you can.
*Umm…sounds
so appealing to be the mistress of a Midwestern banker who is riding dirty, but
I think I’m gonna have to pass on that Craig!*
Totally
inappropriate
“Hello, I’m Cody! So, I came across your
profile! You seem really interesting and I’d love to get to know you more. Hope
you don’t mind. J”
*Adorable,
right? He sounds great until I
realize he just turned 18 and I eventually want to have a baby, not date one.*
And Thomas whose first message to me was…
“Hey there, I was wondering if I can interest
you in a cooking date over at my place. We could bake a think crust pizza, (If
this really existed that would be hilariously awesome! I would totally eat a
think crust pizza.) sip on some wine, chat a bit, watch a movie while cuddling
up in my couch!”
*Wow
Thomas, I know we’ve never met before but just FYI, I will make out like a
horny teenager on prom night if I really like a guy but I don’t cuddle on the
first date. I save spooning for a serious, committed relationship. But listen,
since you’ve basically planned the whole thing anyway without even asking what I
wanted to do… Are you even sure you need me? Why not just purchase one of those
blow-up dolls? I’m pretty sure she’ll cuddle whatever you want, no questions
asked! *
Then there was Jared…
His name was Jared so that should have been my
first indicator. Anything and anyone named Jared is suspect. *This means you Jared* The name basically
represents a dim-witted brosef who likes muscle cars, Ed Hardy shirts and fart
jokes. *No offense to fart jokes.*
We emailed briefly and then went straight to
texting. After one brief exchange I could tell he was a solid hell no.
To recap, this is what Jared had to say about
Jared.
He was not just good but “amazing in bed” (his exact words) and he “just really liked to
please women”. He was also in the middle of a messy divorce as he had just
found his wife cheating on him on Valentine’s Day so he was looking to revenge
fuck his way out of his depression. *Charming*.
I quickly wrapped up our text chat but he was
relentless, texting repeatedly over and over again at two pm, at midnight and
constantly the next day.
Wanting to know ‘What’s up?”
“Uh, hey Jared? Nothing’s up. Not for you
anyway”
Finally, I texted back as nicely as possible to
say that I wasn’t interested but good luck and take care.
He texted back, “That is so fucking gay”.
Which obviously did not even warrant a reply, so
I ignored him.
And then he texts, “So, what? You’re not
interested now?”
*That
is correct Jared.*
He texts again.
“So, what you’re just gonna ignore me now?
*Yup…pretty
much.*
I continue to ignore Jared and never texted
back.
Three days later he texted me again, “What’s
up?”
*Nothing,
Jared. Nothing’s up for you. Ever! Jaysus!*
I move on to other greener, more inappropriate
pastures. One guy writes…
“Hi Sweety i see your profil i lik it alot
because you’re look a sexy and hounset girl. Shortly i like you and whantto be
your freind I hope to your accept me like freind.”
*No, no
I don’t accept you like freind. Sorry if this seems harsh, I was just being
hounset. *
Behold the hipster idiot who messages me only
these words…
“Rock hard!!! Hallelejujah!!!! I wanna play your
ass like a video game. Lllool!”
*Put
the pipe down now. I said put it down cause you are totally gonna regret this
tomorrow. I know you are only doing drugs “ironically” but honey, your body
doesn’t know that. You should just go back to playing YuGioh and stop messaging
everyone on this site. It’s embarrassing*
I also got a lot of “You are gorgeous, you are
beautiful, you are a stunning redhead.” Which was all very nice but they were
usually from guys with no pictures or information whatsoever on their profiles.
It was like being spammed by a crew of complimentary ghosts.
I also got this message…
“You like sex? Cooooooool! You are built like a
machine” #word
*Totally*
And this one which just might be my personal
favorite…
“I like you, I am Chinese.”
* I think it pretty much says it all don’t
you? *
Creepy/Perverted
This dude’s first message to me was…
“You have some awesome pictures, but I’m sure
every guy says that. If you’d ever want to pose (hands off) my female colleague
would love to be your photographers. I’m always looking for new models willing
for “pinup girl” and niche leg shots (in nylons only). If not interested, I
completely understand.”
*Do
you? Do you understand? Do you understand that all I wanted was a good guy to
date and I’m not really looking to pose for soft-core fetish photographs in
nylons for a total fucking stranger for free? I’m gonna take a pass on that…but
thanks for trying to pimp me out to your friends. Uggh, I feel dirty. I gotta
go take a shower now*
No
Means No Mister
Meet Gruntor96. He messages me with the following:
“I am looking for right woman for a long trem relationship.
Iam open for a relationship. I am hoset and trustworthy caring. I like walks
and cuddly looking for a soul mate. I funny open minded.”
*I didn’t
reply because I like to date men a little further up on the food chain…you
know, guys with opposable thumbs and such.*
So then I get this…
“Hi how are you doing today like to hear from
like to talk to you like to get know more and more about me this is Grunt96”
I ignore it so five minutes later I get this…
“Hi I can tel more about me if you want this is
Grunt96 I am still working on profile”
*I
ignore it again but feel a little bit bad…I mean, he is trying…*
Then I get this…
“I like to hear from more if want I like to get
know you are you interested let me know you very fun presson I like to get to
know and let more about me like said my profile I am still working on it this
Grunt96 let me know”
*I stop
feeling bad and start feeling trapped.*
Five minutes after that…
“I liked to really hear from I have go to work
today but hear from like talk to you tomarrow if you want this is Grunt96”
*I start
wondering if his name is Jared*
The next day I hear from him again
“I want talk I want see you feel you let me know
we now this is Grunt96”
This went on for three days.
I never replied to him once.
That did not stop him in the slightest.
I was also messaged by this persistant jackwagon….
He was 22 so I very politely told him he’s too
young for me…aaand so of course he then
just keeps messaging me every day. Every. Single. Day.
These are his messages….
“Ugh.”
“Seriously?”
“Hey.”
“What?”
“No?”
And finally he sends me this….
“So say your friends told you they heard a guy
you seen around and they told you his…is almost as big as his forearm what
would you think?
*I
would say you seriously should not believe everything you see on the internet*
The
Worst Kind
I totally saved the best for last. Here you go….this
is real people! This guy (who btw looks about oh, 75 years old) sends me this
classic gem
“Hey Cutie! My name’s George but you can call me
PawPaw. What you up to Butterbabe?”
Just for kicks I message back, “How old are you?”
He replys, “I’m 63 years old but age doesn’t
matter. Agreed? I guess my genital just got hard. Lol. They say Disneyland is
the happiest place on earth obviously they haven’t been on my genital. Lol. I
just made my day. J
*Seriously?
There are no words*
And
Then There Was One
Hmmm….anything is possible with the right
person. Out of all the men who messaged me, there is someone who fits the bill.
Handsome, grown-up, smart, sexy, funny
and totally a non-serial killer type dude who reeks of possibility.
But no expectations…we will just have to see
what happens. Fingers crossed he doesn’t show me a picture of his dick in a
parking lot.
*God my
standards aren’t very high are they? I seriously gotta do something about that*
