MERRY CHRISTMAS, BABY!

I got a lot of great stuff this year. I asked for a lot of pretty girl items and luckily I was gifted with everything on my list; new gym shoes, yoga clothes and classes (do you sense a theme here?), makeup, perfume, bath stuff and oh, yeah, an (almost!) clean bill of health.

What? Yeah, Santa hooked me up big time! Remember my little negative friend? No, not Coco the Cluster, the nurse with the nurturing, bedside manner.* The one who told me that I had a tumor in my head. Well, guess what? She was wrong. Ish. She was wrong-ish. Here’s the deal. They had me go back in for an MRI as the CAT scan was a little hard to read. Then I got sent to a specialist in Springfield who basically said that he didn’t think it was a tumor. (If it was a tumor it was definitely benign) That’s the good news.

 The bad news is that he thought it was a cluster (for real! See I was right!) of blood vessels that were wrapped around my optic nerve. The course of treatment? Wait for me to go blind in that eye and then they would have to operate but he couldn’t really guarantee they would be able to do much. Or save my eye. Hmm, sounds promising and super fun. Very Medieval Times. Very “Would you care for the giant turkey leg/back alley surgery combo Mi’lady? We have a special today!” Anyway, for right now he wanted another MRI in six months and then if there was no further progression, it’s just a waiting game. But it’s not life-threatening…so I really might become a pirate, but I’m definitely gonna live.

Now that still sounds super not great, right? Except for this little bit of awesomeness...shortly after my appointment I happened to go thru a box of old photos while cleaning and noticed that…”Oh my God, my eye was already slightly larger two years ago. Five years ago. Ten. “No way!” I couldn’t believe it. I ended up going thru all my photos in a mad hunt and from what I could tell this, this thing, happened when I was like 16 years old. Yup! I’ve been this way for a really long time and never even knew it! So, that just proves that this is just how I am and it’s not going to progress. Once I realized that, the fear just drained out of me and I slept like a baby for the first time in six months.

But how bizarre that I just noticed now. And even weirder is that nobody and I mean nobody in my life, not my friends, my boyfriend’s, my sister or even my mother noticed the difference. “What did you just call me? Drama Queen?” Wow, harsh. But before you think I’m making a big deal out of nothing just know that every single medical professional I’ve seen in the past few months noticed the difference. Immediately. So, my point is that I think God, my soul, the Universe, Robert Downey Jr…whoever is watching over me…chose this moment for me to notice it so that I would have a spiritual wakeup call, get off my ass and change my life! It’s very 2013 up in here all of a sudden. Even Oprah approves.

Which…brings me back to my pretty girl discount plan. Oh, it’s on people, like mega Donkey Kong. So, thanks Santa. Big ups to the man upstairs and especially to The Carle Clinic who gave me massively discounted medical attention.

I guess in my own way, I just got the ultimate pretty girl discount. Hmm, would you look at that?**

 *Read this sentence with the most sarcasm you can possibly muster. And then double it. I’m still pissed at her. Big time.

** I can. Because my eyes are fine. So thanks again Baby Jesus. I owe you one. For reals.